02-16-2004 - 4:23 p.m.
I have so much to write about, I'm not even sure where to begin...
Well, I guess we'll just continue on with the theme of romance from my last entry. The much dreaded Valentine's Day turned out to be one of the most fun nights I've had in a very long time. I headed out to Philly with Kellie, Jane, Ellen, and Kellie's friend from work Lisa. We went to this Irish place where we danced and drank our asses off. Some highlights...
The DJ was this grotesquely obese man who had the confidence of an Abercrombie & Fitch model. He seriously had no shame when it came to talking to the ladies. When I went to request "Crazy in Love" (it was, after all, Valentine's Day) he used his index finger to motion me towards him into the little DJ booth thing and then put his arm around me and pulled me towards him and was all like "Happy Valentine's Day!" Since I'm not in the market for a body pillow I quickly requested my song and peaced out, but I gotta give the guy props for being so confident.
Quote of the night: My lips still work!!!!! This amazing discovery was made by me after I met and danced for some time with this guy named Giovanni. Since I never kiss anyone this was a huge deal. Apparently kissing is like riding a bike- you never forget. Funny enough, after bitching about not having any romance in my life, Giovanni was hell bent on convincing me that he was a hopeless romantic. Listen guys, if you're truly a hopeless romantic, you should show it, not just proclaim it. I swear, like every 2 minutes he gave me one or all of the following lines:
I'm a hopeless romantic.
I'm a really nice guy.
And lamest of all...
I enjoy long walks on the beach.
After hearing the "long walks on the beach" line for the millionth time I was just like Don't you have any other cheesy lines to use on me? Fortunately, Giovanni had a sense of humor, and after his moment of being stunned by my bluntness he was like Are you tired, cause you've been running through my mind all day! Which provided me with the perfect opportunity to bust out a classic Night at the Roxbury line. I reached over to his collar, looked at the tag and was like Oh, just as I suspected... MADE IN HEAVEN!
It turned out that this guy is a realtor and an interior designer. So of course I'm like And you're not gay? Seriously though, I can't think of a single guy I've ever been attracted to who I haven't at some point asked Are you gay? They always have gay tendencies!!! Plus, he liked to dance and was a good dresser. Hmmmmm...
Speaking of good dresser. This is classic. We'd been hanging out for a while, and suddenly out of nowhere he's like Is your shirt from Target? I almost shit myself. I was wearing this really cute asian inspired pink silk wrap shirt. And yes, it was from Target. I couldn't decide what was worse- the mortification of being called out for wearing a shirt from Target, or the fact that he knew enough about the women's clothing section at Target to realize it was from there. (What made it even more suspicious was the fact that I bought this shirt in the fall so it's not still out in stores.) Adding to my embarrassment was the fact that he was wearing a freaking Armani Exchange shirt. Way to look like white trash, Nicole! But anyways, he totally didn't give a fuck that I was wearing a shirt from Target and eventually came clean that he had actually bought the same exact shirt for his ex-girlfriend.
Our night ended at Wawa, where I thought I'd ordered an italian sub. Then, I go to pay and realize that my slip says Chicken Parm. So I'm in the middle of Wawa, going Hey guys, I ordered a chicken parm sandwich! When the hell did I order chicken parm? Did you know I ordered chicken parm? Why did I get chicken parm? I would not shut up about the freaking chicken parm because I really had no idea why I ordered it. I must say, it was damn good though. Then, for some reason I was convinced that Kellie had stolen this bag of Cheetos. So I'm all like Why the hell is she stealing Cheetos? I can spare the extra dollar if she really wants them! But it turned out that she'd actually paid for them and I was just a drunk moron.
Anyways, only one word sums up Saturday night- FUN. It made me realize a few things. First of all, I don't think I have the clinical depression that I had diagnosed myself with a few weeks ago. I think I just need to hang out with people I like more often. Secondly, I realized that when I go out near my house I don't actually have a good time. I go out fairly regularly, but I never really enjoy myself. So, I haven't become less fun since college- just my life has.
Last night I went to this great Italian restaurant in Atlantic City with my family. Of course, the night couldn't go off without a catastrophe occurring. There was this table full of women sitting behind us and they were being all loud and one of them had this awful snorting problem everytime she laughed. Well, the waiter brought their food, and as he went to set down this plate of spaghetti, the one woman bumped his arm and the plate went flying. It landed on the floor, and red tomato sauce went spraying all over my brand new tan suede jacket, which was hanging on the back of my chair. The women at the table were just like Oh, that's a shame and went on eating their dinners like nothing had happened. Then, the manager comes over with a glass of club soda and is like Here, let's try to blot it out! All of us were just like, you fucking moron it's suede!!! Anyways, I have to get that shit dry cleaned, which will cost like $40, and the restaurant offered to pay for it. Then, my sister and I had to wash our purses in the sink of the bathroom and I had to take my gloves home in a plastic bag since all that stuff had also suffered the wrath of the flying sauce.
Today I had one of the classic misadventures that has come to define my life. My dad and I went to the mall, where I scored 2 pairs of dress pants at the Gap for $50! How amazing is that? 2 fucking pairs for 50 bucks. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited by that find. So, we're heading home and my Dad decides he wants to play the lottery at this liquor store that's maybe a mile and a half down the road from our house. We get out of the car, and we're talking and walking towards the door of the store and suddenly my Dad just stops and is like Where are my keys? What did I do with my keys??? So, I walk back to the car, peer in the window and just start laughing my ass off.
The keys were still in the ignition.
The doors were locked.
I laughed so hard for so long that I probably have a six pack now. Tears were just pouring down my face. So, we call my mom at work and she's laughing so hard she can't even talk. We tried calling my grandpop to come pick us up, but there was no answer. So, the only option left was... to walk home.
Now, you have to understand that I live on a really busy road with no sidewalks. The speed limit on my street is probably like 45 or 50 mph and there is a constant stream of tractor trailers flying by. (I often wonder what my parents were smoking 11 years ago when they built this house at this location.) Not to mention the fact that it's the main road in our town, so walking down this road, we're bound to be seen by people we know. But, we had no choice, so we started walking. And the whole time the two of us were just cracking up. It was honestly one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. And the fact that for once it wasn't me who had made a smackass mistake- it had after all been my Dad who locked the keys in the car- made it that much more funny. So, we're walking, and we only have like a quarter of a mile left to go when we hear this car beep behind us. I was seriously scared to turn around... Who had spotted us??? It turned out to be my grandfather who just happened to be driving by. So, technically we didn't end up walking the entire stretch home.
God, my whole family is stoopid!
Now, I haven't made fun of R. Kelly in a long time, so let's have a go at him for just a second. This morning I saw for the first time the video for Hotel by Cassidy and R. Kelly. Great song, even though Cassidy's rhymes are quite dumb. The video, though, was just too stupid for words. First off, Cassidy looks like he's 10 years old. Plus, his face is so smooth it looks like it's made of plastic. He's asking ladies to come to his hotel room, but he looks so young I doubt he can even legally rent a hotel room! Then, there's R. Kelly in the freaking Zoro eye mask. Why, dear God, why on earth is R. Kelly wearing a Zoro mask? And to top it off, he sports a white one with matching white pimp hat in certain scenes, and a black one with matching black pimp hat in others. Note to R- the Zoro eye masks are not cool! Unless you're in a Zoro movie!
Then, I have to comment on the "6 in the morning" dance move. In the song the last line of the chorus goes checking out 6 in the morning and then they repeat "6 in the morning" a few times. Well, every freaking time they sing that line, R. Kelly and Cassidy hold up the 5 fingers of one hand and the index finger of the other and flip their hands back and forth while bumping their shoulders up and down. Is this video supposed to be educational? Thanks R, but I already know how many 6 is. I watched Sesame Street as a kid. And it's not like they do this dance one time... they do it like 5 different times throughout the video! Again, I must question, does R. Kelly think he looks cool? Doesn't he have some sort of cool consultant that can be like Yo, R, you look like a total douche bag when you do that move. Not only does he put the R in R&B, but he definitely puts the R in REEEEEE-DICULOUS!!!
In other news, my car has gotten recalled! Yeah, I got a notice saying they fucked up when putting in the fuel system so it could possibly catch on fire. And adding insult to injury, they sent my bill the same day they sent the recall notice. So basically the Mazda Corporation is like HA HA HA sucker! You're car could potentially explode, but you still owe us money!
Bastards!
