02-29-2004 - 7:45 p.m.
I am officially the dumbest person alive.
It's been proven many times that I have no sense of direction (both literally and figuratively) but I really topped myself this weekend. See, when it comes to driving, I just have NO CLUE. Give me the most explicit, straight forward directions and I'll fuck them up somehow. Tell me to drive straight on a one way street and I will undoubtedly wind up calling you saying Ummmmm... I think I need help! A map? Forget it! It'll take me a half hour just to figure out if I'm holding it correctly.
So, Saturday night was Ellen's 23rd birthday party up in Hoboken. She emailed me directions, and both her and Kellie assured me that it was incredibly easy to find her house. Little did they realize that they were dealing with a total moron. I live in Cape May County. There is only one highway. It only has 2 lanes. Exit numbers are determined by the mile number. There is no "express" lane, there is no "splitting" there is no "this road is the Turnpike and 95", and there are certainly no exits that have an A,B,C,D and E. It is so easy to drive around here that even I don't fuck it up that often.
It should have taken me 2 hours to get there. I got up the Parkway just fine. When I got off my exit, I had two options- 95 North and 95 South. I wasn't sure which to pick. I mean hmmmm... I'm heading to north jersey in the northern region of the state, and my choices are to head north or south. So, I chose South.
As I'm driving I realize that the exit numbers are getting smaller when they should in fact be getting bigger. So I call Ellen and yeah, she confirms that I'm totally going the wrong way. I get off at the next exit and find myself in fucking New Brunswick. I was at Rutgers!!! I was totally nowhere near the region I should've been in! I stop at a restaurant and as luck would have it, the man I ask for directions is a limo driver so he gets me going in the right direction.
I back track all the miles that I went out of my way, and I confirm over the phone that I'm totally on the right path. I'm nervous that maybe I'm lost again, but then I see a sign for exit 70 and I'm like Yes! I'm exit 71! I will totally be there in like 10 minutes!
Then, just like the north/south dilemma, I'm suddenly faced with another choice- the road splits into Local and Express Lanes. Even though my exit it the next freaking exit, my ability to think once again escapes me and I choose the Express lane. As soon as I make the choice, I'm like Fuck! There's a median, what if I can't get over to the exit??? Well, as you can probably already guess, my exit comes and goes, with no break in the median, and there I am flying by my chance to finally get to Ellen's house. Well, I totally flipped out. I thought I was gonna end up in New York (and then I'd be totally confused) and the thought of this causes me to begin hyperventilating. And no, I'm not exxagerating. So I can't breathe, and I'm driving, and I'm lost, and I'm still in the goddamn Express lane so I can't get off at the next exit either.
Then, I see a construction zone. So, I pull off on to the shoulder. Since they're doing construction, part of the median is down. I'm like Hmmmmm... I could probably bust through this construction area and merge into the Local lane so that I can get off on the next exit. Thankfully I have a guardian angel so my little ploy worked without me getting killed and/or pulled over. I get off the next exit, find a Marriott hotel that has two of the nicest valet guys ever, and I'm once again back on track. After 3 long ass hours in the car, I finally made it to Ellen's house. Of course, my being super late caused her to be late for her own party, so I felt terrible. But I suppose it all worked out in the end.
And today I got home in 2 hours.
The party was at a bar in Hoboken, and we had alot of fun, especially since there was a 3 hour open bar. When we got there though, I was starving since I hadn't eaten all day, and the last time I did the not eating/open bar combination I got dragged out by security and thrown on a bench, plus the Holiday Inn got all their lobby plants fertilized. So, after having my first drink, I peaced out by myself to look for a quick bite to eat.
I went around the corner to this pizza place. While I was waiting for my food, I heard the door open behind me. I turned around to take a look and I found myself staring into the eyes of this really cute guy. We both kind of look at each other for a second, we both said hello, and then I turned back around. I got my food and headed to the back to a table.
A few seconds later, the cute guy also came walking back with his food. He went to sit at the table behind me, hesitated for a moment, and then turned around and came over to my table. He asked if I was alone and if he could join me. Of course I said yes. So, I ate dinner with this guy and even though he was a random stranger we talked and talked and talked some more. It was just so refreshing to hang out with a guy who had something to say. Like, when I'd ask him a question he didn't just give me a one word response. He used the question as a springboard to launch this whole big conversation, which I really appreciated since guys usually don't take the bait like that. So, in the middle of Ellen's birthday party I unexpectedly had this mini dinner date with a really nice boy. Plus, he was all about coming down to Atlantic City to visit me so I guess we'll see if he actually calls. Ok, a boy who talks and is willing to travel??? This is just too good to be true. There are 2 things wrong with the whole scenario though... 1) I have no idea what his name is. Of course he totally introduced himself and shook my hand (I freaking love when people offer their hand for a handshake, I often get the weirdest looks when I do it myself) but I really don't remember what he said his name was. 2) I have a "7 year rule" which states that I go for guys who are between 2 years younger and 5 years older than me, which right now makes my range 20-27. And he falls outside the range! (No, I'm not a pedophile, he's slightly older than my range.) Not that it matters, because I really don't expect him to call. I just appreciated talking to someone and connecting on an intellectual level for a change. Plus, he was a total gentleman who walked me back to the bar to meet my friends.
The rest of the night involved lots of drinking, a little bit of dancing, and a late night trip to the diner where I couldn't seem to live down the fact that I ordered a corn muffin. In all, a great night. Happy Birthday Ellen!
Whenever I stay over people's houses, I have this tendency to wake up hours before anyone else. So, this morning I occupied my time by looking through every single photo album on Ellen's shelf. It was so weird looking at Ellen's pictures from her freshman year of college. I didn't know Ellen freshman year, nor did I know anyone in her photo album back then either. But strangely enough, so many people that were a part of her life freshman year later crossed my path. It was just weird that she was friends with so many people that would later come into my life, whether briefly or long term, whether as friends or acquaintances. It was fun to see how different some people looked when they were 18 or 19 years old, compared to when I knew them. It was also fun to realize that it really is a small world.
And now, let us all sing the praises of ceramic flat irons!!! Yesterday I went to the beauty supply store and got one, and I have to say that so far this is the best 50 bucks I've spent in my entire life. I've had hair straighteners before, but this is just amazing. My hair is stick straight!!! You have to understand that my hair is so thick that I could easily weave 3 really nice wigs if I ever decided to shave off all my hair. Plus, it's naturally curly. When I dry my hair straight with a round brush it's all full and bouncy. But now... if I so choose, I can have flat hair! Last night when I went out with my newly flattened hair I honesly felt like I'd gotten a makeover. I really think it made me look alot different. Oh I love having a new hair option!!!
And now, for my first ever Lyrics So Stupid They Could've Been Written by R. Kelly Awards.
Baby girl I'd trade it all
Even give up my good green
All, and I'd give the watch and pinky ring
All, anything to have you on my team
All, baby girl I'd trade it all ~Trade It All, Fabolous featuring Jagged Edge
I never realized what they were saying in this song until a few days ago. I was driving in my car and I just kept skipping the track back to make sure I'd heard correctly that they would in fact give up their pinky ring for this girl. What exactly was this thought process behind this particular lyric? Hmmm... what would I give up in this world for a girl I love? Fame? Fortune? MY PINKY RING!!!
It was weird how we met, huh?
She was wit her mom in Bank America
I'm wit my son cashin the check
So I asked outta respect
Would she like to explore the world up high
We can fly in my jet ~One Call Away, Chingy
Rappers like to make these "romantic" songs, and I use the term very loosely. They come out with these raunchy or violent songs and then they hit you with a song that shows their smoother side. Which is what Chingy accomplishes with this song. So, ok, go ahead and make this sweet little song about a girl that you really like. You don't just want to fuck her... you want to wine and dine her and then fuck her. Alright, so in the first verse you're gonna meet this girl and instantly know that she's "the one" so... hmmm... where should we meet? Oh yeah, in the bank! The singles hotspot! Oooh and she'll be with her mom and I'll be with my illegitimate son cashing a check! The romance here is just off the charts! And then, I'll hit her with my smooth Hey baby, wanna fly in my jet? pickup line! Works every time!!! The funniest thing about this song is that Chingy rhymes "america" with "huh" by pronouncing it "americ-UH" which just makes it that much more ridiculous.
Media, over here
Comin' through like a world premiere
Trench coat and my underwear
Let's go with this freak show...
...Outrageous
My sex drive
Outrageous
My shopping spree
Outrageous
We on a world tour
Outrageous
Let's be it, girl ~Outrageous, Britney Spears
When you hear Britney singing about her trench coat and underwear and then how outrageous both her sex drive and shopping sprees are, you can't help but say This song is so dumb it could've been written by R. Kelly! Then you look at the liner notes of the CD and you realize that R. Kelly did write this song! So I guess technically it's ineligible for my award, but we'll sneak it in anyway. My first question is where the fuck is she going in the trench coat/underwear ensemble? Does she strip at bachelor parties on the weekends? And then, of course, R. likes to take one word and repeat it 50 times so the entire chorus is just outrageous, outrageous, outrageous (in the interest of space I only included half the chorus here). But Britney just has this really wide range of outrageousness- I mean her sex drive is off the charts and girlfriend likes to shop! Who knew? Good thing R. put this info into song form!
