03-25-2004 - 7:23 p.m.
All the women who're independant...
Throw your hands up at me!
After much anticipation, the night of the Beyonce, Alicia Keys and Missy Elliot show finally arrived on Tuesday. I was practically pissing myself all day thinking about it. But, it was so worth the Pull-Ups.
Of course, things couldn't go off without a hitch, because this is, after all, the Fabulous Life of Nicole and Jane we're talking about here. I was totally stressed about some major bullshit that got dumped on me at work that very day, so already I was on edge. Then we stop at this rest stop on the Expressway and when I went to get money from the ATM it only gave me $20 instead of what I asked for! I guess it ran out of money or something. So I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do??? Of course the people working there couldn't do anything for me, and the woman at the 800 number was just like "stop in any Commerce Bank location and fill out some big long form". Of course, I still haven't done that, and I figure at this rate I should just take the loss and move on.
So, we get to Philly, and of course we're late and Missy is already on stage. But we saw most of the performance and it was HOT. All three performers had their own vibe going. Missy's was definitely the party vibe. She had these sick dancers that were just amazing to watch. Plus, she herself tore it up on the mic of course. Short and sweet, but really awesome.
Next was Alicia who was just beyond fantastic. She had the laid back vibe going. She did a little dancing here and there, and changed her jacket one time, but besides that totally steered clear of the showmanship aspect. It was just all about her amazing voice and music. That girl can really sing her ass off. Not to mention the fact that her latest album is just awesome. I wanted to cry when she played my song "If I Ain't Got You" because it was literally that beautiful.
And then, she came. The queen herself, Miss Beyonce. As if we weren't excited enough just to see her perform, me and Jane actually got to be within a foot of her for a split second which totally made our night. To open the show they carried her down the center aisle on one of those Egyptian pharoah bed looking things and she threw flower petals to the crowd. (A tad dramatic. Was she supposed to be Cleopatra???) But anyways, our seats were on the floor right next to the station where the sound guys sit, and there was an aisle in front of our row. So, as they're getting ready for her performance we notice that there's mad security in our area. They were all big huge fat guys in velour sweatsuits with backstage passes on. So then the lights go out and the thug patroling our row is like don't move! Stay where you are! And suddenly there's this whole entourage of big fat thug security guards walking down our row, and right in the middle of the line is my girl B, walking out to get to her Egyptian pharoah bed. She was hiding her face with a coat, but come on, when you're freaking Beyonce you really can't hide yourself all that well.
Her performance was of course, beyond amazing. Her vibe was the "I'm sexy" vibe. But I think she may have taken it a little too far beyond sexy into the "ho" realm. She really was sluttin it up. But, the girl can sing and the girl can shake her ass, so I had to ignore the ho factor for the "awesome show" factor. Her wardrobe was totally hurtin though. Some of the outfits were just terrible. The worst was the super high waisted white daisy dukes with the gold bra and white blazer. I swear, the shorts went up past her belly button and the jacket just made her look like she'd forgotten her shirt. But never mind the clothes, because she totally redeemed herself by bringing out Jay-Z for the last song of the night, Crazy In Love. The place just went totally nuts when he came out. He is truly the greatest. And she is the greatest. And together they are just... WOW. They so get the Cutest Couple award.
Two things I learned from the Beyonce performance:
1. I need a freaking wind machine. Beyonce was all about the wind machines. And I'm totally convinced that they can make like 99% of the world's population look sexy. So, I'm just gonna install wind machines all over my house so that everywhere I walk I get that super model hair blowing affect. I figure if it works for Beyonce, it's gotta work for me, right? Right???
2. I also need my name in gignatic lights. When she did Crazy In Love the background was these gigantic absolutely huge red lighted letters that spelled BEYONCE. And I'm like how freaking cool is that? But I'm thinking NICOLE wouldn't look quite as awesome as BEYONCE.
Other things worth mentioning...
Apparently having a midget in your performance is cool. All of the sudden during Alicia Key's set this little guy comes out on stage with a microphone. And he's all dancing around and making random shout outs in the mic. He totally served no purpose to the performance whatsoever. But he was little. Really little. At first we couldn't determine if he was a kid or a midget. But the voice totally gave away that he wasn't a kid. But he wasn't a true midget either. So, then I determined that he was like Beetlejuice from Howard Stern, only not retarded. We still don't know how the little man factored into Alicia's set though.
We were fortunate enough to sit behind blast from the 80s key girl. This chick had on this totally 80s Madonna black lace shirt and her hair up in this high side ponytail. And hanging off of her hoop earring was a key. But not some cute decoration key. A straight up I-got-this-made-at-the-hardware-store house key! Jane so astutely pointed out that the side pontail allowed for an unobstructed view of the key. We just assumed she was a big fan.
We also concluded that white people just have no style. When preparing for the evening, we totally forgot the fact that people get totally decked out for hip-hop concerts. We are, after all, white. Think about it. If you go to a rock concert everyone is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, right? Most of the guys don't even look like they've showered for the day. But a hip hop show is totally different. The culture surrounding hip hop is very much about appearances, and so the crowd at the shows is too. So many women had on 4 inch stilettos heels I thought we might've accidentally stumbled upon a hooker convention. There were mini skirts everywhere, and more bling than you'd see in a Big Tymer's video. Some men even had on suits! There was an awful lot of velour sweatsuits going on, but somehow people even made those look nice. Of course, alot of people were wearing clothes that they shouldn't wear unless they lose 80 pounds, but you gotta give props for the effort at the very least. Rock fans would never even attempt to look decent. The people watching at these things is just amazing.
Now, for a little bitching. What's up with all these people who like to toss around the saying "You should date him!"??? Alot of people have used that line on me, and my sister especially loves to use it. This weekend we hung out with my supposed future husband and she's all like "Nicole, date him!" Um... last I checked dating someone required mutual feelings, no??? I love how people act like you can just walk up to someone and be like "Hi, I want to date you". It's much more complicated. The person needs to actually like you back. It sounds so simple, but I know from experience that it is so not!
Saturday night when we went out, my sister was given not one but two business cards. This just proves that I really do need those Chingy "One Call Away" cards because apparently handing out your card is all the rage. Speaking of which, the 31 year old will not stop stalking me and it's just out of control! I totally blew him off on Saturday night so he felt the need to send me 10 million text messages. Then he called me Sunday night. Then he called me last night. And his message last night was "I'll try calling you again tomorrow!". So then he called today. And I'm like how has he not noticed that I never pick up the phone and/or return his calls??? Guys are soooooooooooo dumb. So dumb. Or maybe it's just a total lack of phone etiquette. Either way, it's totally annoying. But go figure. The ones you don't want to call always do. It's the ones you actually want to talk to that don't.
