03-29-2004 - 8:33 p.m.
Lately I've been feeling as though I work at Babies 'R Us.
For some reason I've suddenly found myself surrounded by the Militant Mommy's of America Club at work. For some ungodly reason I'm always around for their heartfelt conversations on the trials and tribulations of mommyhood. Last Friday I thought I was going to vomit when I found myself trapped listening to a 10 minute dissertation on the importance of the "skin to skin contact" of breastfeeding and how not only does the baby need that comfort but "Mommy needs that time too!" (Making it a billion times worse was that the chick saying all this is pretty gross and could pass for a lesbian.) It was hard enough holding down my breakfast listening to all this shit, but then at the end she added in the real kicker that total sent my stomache lurching. She was talking about how she still breast feeds 3 times a day (I swear the kid is nearing 2 years by now) as well as "anytime he falls or gets hurt". What?!?!?! Your kid gets a bump on his knee so you whip out your tit??? First of all, this kid is gonna be one fat mother fucker because he is totally going to associate food with comfort for the rest of his life. Not to mention the fact that he's gonna latch on to the first available boob anytime something remotely bad happens in his life. His teachers are NOT going to be pleased!
Then today it was delightful potty training stories. This one chick's kid "wanted to pooh on the big people's potty", but she felt as though standing there making sure he didn't fall into the toilet seat (which is like 5 times bigger than a toddler's ass) she wasn't "giving him the privacy he needed to pooh". Why in God's name do these conversations need to take place in the room where my desk is??? It's really hard to get work done when people are hardcore discussing their lactating tits and their baby's pooh-ing habits. Uncalled for, people!!! In the worst way!!!
The other thing that pisses me off is that my worth as a human being is totally downgraded solely based on the fact that I do not have children of my own. It's like, I can't possibly know anything about children because I haven't actually popped one out. I mean, I do admit that mother's have one up on me in the teaching field, but that's not to say that I'm totally worthless when it comes to knowing about and relating to kids. I'm just coming from a different perspective is all. Today, this woman prefaced a totally worthless comment about kids by saying "Do you have any children?" When I replied in the negative, she then asked "Are you even married?" When I again replied no, she kind of scoffed and was like "Oh, then you wouldn't understand." Then she made her comment/observation and it was so stupid that a person who's never even seen a child could have totally understood what she was talking about. What the fuck? Why is my intelligence second rate just because I'm not married with kids? That woman should be fucking congratulating me for not yet having any children at the age of 22 because it means I wasn't a teenage prostitute. She should also be pleased that I'm not contributing to this nation's abominable divorce rate. Whatever.
I now need to restate my previous belief that all men should be forced to see and closely study the movie Shallow Hal. You all could really learn a huge lesson. Girls are totally forgiving when it comes to guys looks. It's not uncommon to see a beautiful girl with just an OK looking guy, because honestly most girls look beyond the physical. I've totally found myself attracted to guys I hadn't previously deemed "hot" once I got to know them. Personality is mad points. However, when was the last time you saw a really hot guy with an average girl? Um... never. Because guys totally pick apart every flaw in a girl. It was kind of ironic that this movie was on yesterday after a little incident I had on Saturday night. Jane and I randomly met these guys when we were out in Seaside and they offered us a ride home. (I know, I know, we're really safe, aren't we?) The one was this cute Costa Rican guy. His two friends were just your everyday average white guys. Not ugly, but not anything to write home about. If you walked by them on the street you wouldn't even notice them. So, we're walking out and the two Average White Boys (AWB) were walking down the steps behind me. And AWB #1 says to AWB #2 "So... which one do you want? The Euro chick, or the ugly one?"
Well, "Euro Chick" is Jane cause she's from Russia. Which leaves yours truly to be "The Ugly One". Now, I never claim to be a stunning beauty. In fact, I think I'd make one incredible episode of Extreme Makeover. But, I've learned to play with the hand I've been dealt, and I take care of myself and do my hair and makeup so as not to be totally atrocious. And I'd consider myself on a good day to be "average"- just like the AWBs, you wouldn't notice me if you saw me walking down the street. So, why the fuck did these kids take it upon their Average looking selves to deem me "ugly"??? Well, first off they have penises, which automatically makes them assholes. Secondly, it's the whole Shallow Hal complex where not hot guys need to have super hot, perfect girls. For all they know, I could be the sweetest, most caring, most incredible human being on this earth but it doesn't matter cause they've already categorized me. This is like the 1,793,237th incident in my lifetime that has made me totally despise men.
Looking on the brighter side of things, in exactly 2 weeks I'll be kicking it in the sun down in Mexico.
(Downside- I'll have to face the world in a bathing suit.)
And in 48 hours I'll be rocking out to the sights and sounds of the Queen of Trash, Miss Britney Spears!!!
(Downside- I'll have to see her in a bathing suit, which will make me want to rush deliver my audition tape to Extreme Makeover.)
I can't win, can I???
