04-18-2004 - 9:08 p.m.
Well, before we begin discussing my fabulous tan and a week of soaking up the sun, we need to begin this entry with the Mortifying Moment of the Month. I so feel like I should be writing into YM about this one.
So, picture this. You hang out all night with this guy you're friends with. There's a mutual interest. You go back to his apartment (yes, not only does he have a college education and is gainfully employed but he doesn't live at home woo hoo!) and you're "watching a movie". And at fucking 4:00 am your cell phone rings. And you're like "Who the hell is calling me now??? This is so not a good time!" And you pick up the phone and realize in absolute horror that it's...
YOUR MOTHER.
Calling to see where you are.
Calling you when you're at a guy’s house after a night of drinking.
Making you look like you're fucking 15 years old!!!
I seriously wanted to crawl into that fucking hole they found Saddam in. You can't even imagine how dumb you feel when you're 22 years old (23 in 3 weeks) and your mother interrupts your game. It's absolutely horrifying. Hopefully it never happens to you.
But anyways… CANCUN!!!
It was absolutely gorgeous for starters. Not to mention deliciously relaxing (though today I’m dead tired.) Our resort was amazing- brand new, just opened in February. Now, Jane and I are used to being totally ghetto since we didn’t have much money all through college. But now that we are fabulously employed full time we were able to splurge for a really nice place to stay. When we walked into the ornately decorated lobby the first words out of my mouth were “Are we in the right place?” And amazingly enough, we were.
Of course drama ensued, but really what would you expect? Smackass Number 1 and Number 2 going on vacation together with no one else tagging along to boost the common sense factor. There were bound to be mishaps, as trouble always seems to find us.
First off, we had the airplane ride from hell. We were traveling above some bad weather or something so the whole freaking 3 and a half hours was full of turbulence. When a big bolt of lightning flashed on the side of the plane, the pilot came on the intercom and was like “Hey did you guys see the lightning? Expect to see more!” as if it was a totally exciting thing to be seeing. We however, were not amused. Thankfully, I’m a paranoid freak that doesn’t fly without a guardian angel pin and a set of rosary beads, so the flight got to Cancun safely. I did, however, suffer from hot flashes like some menopausal old lady. I was so worked up when we were landing that I just started getting so hot and sweaty. Of course, no one else on the plane was hot. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I ripped off my velour hoodie and was sitting there in the tiniest nakedest tank top fanning myself with my immigration forms. When exiting the plane, we saw the pilot so I walked up to him and was like “Thanks so much for getting us here safely! I was kind of worried for a while.” He was not amused.
Then it was time to go through customs. We had to fill out these papers on the plane asking for your passport number, country of birth, nationality, etc. Of course by “nationality” they meant what country are you a citizen of. It was really obvious based on the type of info they were soliciting. Well, these dumbass high school girls go up to this security guard and are like “What should we put for nationality?” And he told them to write “American”. And this girls like “But I’m Italian. So I wrote Italian.” So the guy is just totally shocked at what morons these girls are so he’s like “Are you coming here from Italy? No, you’re coming from the USA. You are American!” So the girls get fucking pissed and they’re all talking shit on the guy saying “we only asked a question!” You dumb fucks! You didn’t ask a question! You asked the stupidest question in the world!
Then baggage claim. Jane’s suitcase came through. Much later one of mine came through. Much much later the carousel stopped running and my 2nd suitcase hadn’t arrived. So I had to fill out some form and they said they’d send it to my hotel when they found it. Later that day I called the airport and found out that they had indeed sent it. To some hotel I wasn’t staying at. Luckily though, they got my bag from the wrong hotel, sent it to the right hotel, and it all worked out in the end.
Monday afternoon, after eating lunch I became deathly ill. This illness lasted through Wednesday night, when I took some crazy Russian medicine courtesy of Jane’s mom and was finally cured of my ailment. Unfortunately, my being sick kind of kept us from going out a couple nights, but we still managed to have some fun along the way.
One of our adventures consisted of this bar hopping tour where they take you to the “hottest” bars/clubs in Cancun. I found myself being amazed and disgusted by the throngs of high school kids partaking in the event. These kids probably ranged from 16 to 18 years old and just had no idea how to handle themselves in public. Most of them were obviously getting drunk for the first time judging by their behavior. The first bar was just a one hour stop and by the time we left people were already wasted and we couldn’t figure out why/how. They were all just so obnoxious and uncivilized it kind of made me sick. Then there was the issue of female clothing, or lack thereof. Every girl had on a pleated mini skirt that presumably was stolen from her 10 year old sister’s closet. These skirts were just ridiculous. Minis are super cute, but when there’s ass cheek sticking out it goes from cute to skank nasty. Then, at every bar they’d get these dumbass girls in the barely there skirts to dance on the bar, and they’d blow all this air so that their skirts flew up. I seriously saw more teenage girl ass during my vacation than I’d ever expect to see in 100 lifetimes.
The beach, the pool, vodka lemonades, and a little shopping ate up a lot of our time in Mexico. Our last night there we also went on this dinner cruise thing where you went to this island and had dinner and saw a Caribbean music and dance show. Very cool, and definitely the perfect send off from our vacation. And now, just a couple more random highlights…
Avril
Yes, Avril was staying at our resort. We first spotted Avril while eating at the Brazilian restaurant on Thursday night. She was probably 13 or 14 years old, had the long straight stringy hair, the black eyeliner, and the black “skater boy” clothing. Totally Avril. So we’re sitting there eating and we realize that Avril is sipping on a glass of red wine. First off, she’s super young. Second off, if you’re really young why would you have red wine as your first real experience with alcohol? Within about 20 minutes Avril’s face was bright red and when she stood up to get some dessert she was definitely having a tough time walking straight. By the time we got our van to the airport on Saturday though, she was doing just fine. We were hoping she’d bust out a mini concert during the ride, but unfortunately for us she didn’t.
The GERMANS
There was this group of 4 or 5 men who were just totally jacked up on steroids. We’re talking arms so big they can’t put them all the way down to their sides. Anyways, we assumed they were German and laughed at them for days with their Incredible Hulk muscles and their tiny Speedos. Then one day we ran into two of them getting off an elevator. One was old (with white hair) the other not that much younger. And they totally stop and the old dude starts spouting off all this shit to the younger one in another language. So the young one turns to us and is like “We would like to invite you sometime!” (said with an Arnold Schwarzenneger accent). And we’re like um… okay. But by later in the evening we saw them chilling in the bar with some other hos they’d picked up, perhaps on another elevator. So, we were saved.
The Mull-Hawk
One of the Germans had the strangest haircut we’d ever seen. The front was cropped, and in the back there was a mohawk. We decided that it was a combination of a mullet and a mohawk, thus the new term “Mull-Hawk”. Jane described this new sensation perfectly as “Business in the front, punk in the back.”
Nasty Old Couple
When we went on the dinner cruise Friday night, dinner was at this restaurant on the beach. Most of the tables were for 4 people so we picked one out and hoped no one would sit with us. Of course this man and woman plop themselves down with us. The guy was probably in his 40s, she in her 30s. Apparently she got "beach cruise" confused with "cocktail party" as she was decked in this black dress and heels with a BLING! diamond necklace. We tried being polite and saying hello but they pretty much ignored us. Then, all throughout dinner they just sat there making out and feeling each other up. Meanwhile, we are sitting at this tiny ass round table so Jane and I are totally right there for the entire romantic encounter. The best part was that they didn't even seem to care and/or notice that they were sitting at a table making out in front of two strangers. Later, when we were getting off the boat on the return trip, they decided it'd be best to sit on a chair (she on his lap) inthe middle of the aisle where people were filing off the boat and continue making out. My question is, why leave the hotel? Just stay home and fuck!
There’s so much more to write about my vacation, but the entry would go on for days I think. One more quick note though. And of course, it involves The Apprentice. I’ve devoted my life to this show since January so even though I was on vacation I had to watch, especially since it was the finale. I must say that Donald made an excellent choice. I loved Kwame because he was such a nice guy, but Bill is definitely a smart guy with an incredible entrepreneurial spirit. And to top it off he’s a sweetie pie. Perhaps I’ll visit Jason in Chicago and look him up ;o)
