05-24-2004 - 9:08 p.m.
It really pisses me off that I let a guy get under my skin like this. Oh well, story of my life really.
On Saturday at work (the summer job has already begun) I got on the topic of guys expecting perfection and girls being so forgiving with my friend Steve. This all started when this fat dude came in to eat with his supermodel-like girlfriend. Steve wondered aloud how the fat guy had gotten this chic and I pointed out how she had probably seen something in him that had nothing to do with the fact that he was carrying around a few extra pounds. So then I open my big fat mouth and am like "for example..." and I tell him my story about hooking up with and totally developing a huge crush on this guy who's probably considered "average" and could definitely use to hit the gym and lay off the fried foods. The thing is, this guy is soooooooooooooo adorable to me just because of the way he acts and the way he just is. I can't really describe it, and not too many other girls see it. The problem? Yeah, you're right. I'm not good enough for him. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause of the problem- am I too fat? too ugly? too annoying? Only he knows.
And speaking of knowing... Steve knows him, because he's an acquaintance through our work. So, I tell my whole story and I'm like "but I can't say who it is". And Steve just looks at me and is like "Please don't tell me it's Shawn." (*name changed because otherwise this entry would be totally confusing*) And I'm just like "ummmmmmmmmmm..." because yeah, it totally was Shawn. And then, shockingly enough, Steve totally defended me and said that the problem was definitely not that I'm not good enough for Shawn. He says it's the other way around- that I can do much better. And for some reason, I put alot of stock into what this boy has to say. He's quite possibly the most honest person I've ever met. So the shred of self esteem which I previously had left and Shawn completely trampled all over has been temporarily restored.
I tend not to keep a very large circle of friends, but I have to say the few I have are just wonderful. Lately I've just been so down largely due to this Shawn character and the fact that I feel like my life is totally stagnant. I absolutely love to go out drinking and dancing, but those times have been few and far between because the one friend I hang out with that still lives by my parents house is just so beyond lame it almost scares me. If she smiles once during a night out (btw, her max out-at-the-bar time is usually around 2 hours, party animal!) that's just huge. So lately, besides feeling like the world's biggest failure both romantically and professionaly, I've also been feeling like I've lost my fun-ness. Like, I used to be fun in college and now I'm not. But the past 2 Saturdays have proven to me that I haven't lost my ability to have a good time, I just haven't been hanging out with cool people. Jane and Kellie are so fun, and they make me fun too :o) This Saturday, we take on the farm party... watch out!
Off to bed, where I'll torture myself some more trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
