07-09-2004 - 5:56 p.m.
Wow, the summer is just flying by and I'm being terribly neglectful of my diary. Perhaps my friend was correct in saying that maybe I never really had anything substantial to say at all. But you're still reading, so who's the fool- me for rambling or you for wanting to know???
Anyways, I've wound up being way more busy than I had anticipated. When my boss at the hamburger place told me that he was only giving me 3 nights a week, I envisioned countless hours of free time, lounging on the beach and hanging out at the bars. Instead, this summer has officially turned into my "Jack-of-all-Trades Era". There's 4 mornings a week teaching kindergarten. There's 8 hours a week of private tutoring sessions with highschool students. There's the aforementioned 3 nights a week serving hamburgers to ungrateful cheap bastards. And of course my much dreaded Saturday morning stint cleaning vacation rentals. It's absolutely amazing how disgusting people can be. I guess they figure they're dropping a few grand in rent for one week so they might as well beat the place to death and get their money's worth. But anyways, all the random jobs somehow add up to me being super busy and always running here and there. Though I have squeezed in some of that beach time after all.
The boy situation is incredibly weird and confusing, but thanks to some wonderful insight from Jane I think I'm gonna just stop sweating it. She's absolutely 100% correct that in the grand scheme of things some boy not calling you really isn't all that big of a thing. Not to mention the fact that last night I came to a startling conclusion: all this time I've been thinking I'm not good enough for him, but in reality he's just the world's biggest pussy!!! There was some drama over the weekend that I won't bore you with now that resulted in me leaving a bar on Sunday night kind of in a huff. On Monday I knew he was at work (we work next door to one another) and suprisingly enough he never showed his face. This never ever happens, so I started to suspect that he was avoiding me. So last night I just said fuck it and gave him a call. He was totally in shock that I was calling because he assumed that I just hated him and we weren't speaking anymore. Then he's totally like "yeah, I've been avoiding you all week cause I was scared to talk to you because I thought you hated me". What???? Someone scared to talk to me??? I thought I was the biggest pussy in the world! And if you're scared to talk to the self proclaimed biggest pussy in the world then you must totally be the High and Mighty King of all Pussies!!! Ha ha ha. I'm so not doubting myself anymore in matters involving him.
(**sorry for the overuse of the word "pussy" there)
But yeah, he's not worth worrying over. I just have this odd feeling about him, like something's supposed to happen with him. But you know what? If he's part of The Plan then he'll come around eventually so I think it's high time I leave this one to fate (well, with the occasional nudge here and there).
Tonight is my friend's birthday and I'm totally dead set on her having a fun time. Last night at work she was so stressed out I thought she was gonna just bust out in tears. The funny thing is I'm the little bitch face brat that's so stressed out I'm having major stomache and intestinal problems that require certain medical attention that I definitely don't want to be receiving. But then when I stop and think about it I'm like what the fuck am I so stressed about? I have a professional career that I absolutely love. I have a nice place to live, I have a car, I have no dependants. Life is pretty fucking good. My friend on the other hand has been out of college for a year and a half and still finds herself unemployed (in the professional sense.) And she's gotta serve a whole lotta hamburgers to pay for her car and health insurance and other bills. So why am I such a fucking brat??? When did I become so selfish that I think my life is so horrible and I'm not getting what I deserve??? Why can't I fucking count my blessings and enjoy them??? So tonight, we drink in honor of her completing 24 years. And we drink in honor of all the little things we have that we should be grateful to have. And you know what??? If my boy (who is friends with the birthday girl) doesn't show up (which would be a fucked up thing to do to her, but I digress) I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm just gonna go home and thank God that I got home safely, and appreciate what I have. Who cares what I don't have, because I've been getting along just fine for 23 years without it.
i am a fool 4 thinking that having some loser of a boy ditch me 4 the night was so awful and painful. i am a fool 4 not thinking about life as a whole, and that this is fucking nothing in comparison 2 the truly devastating things that happen 2 people (honestly, having some boy 4get 2 call u is like the equivalent of a paper cut in the grand scheme of things - it's unpleasant, but not really painful, and something that u 4get about in a short amount of time). it's just weird how certain things can really put everything in perspective 4 u. ~Jane's Diary
Thanks Jane, for putting it into perspective for me too.
