12-29-2005 - 12:08 a.m.
If Billy K can update, I suppose I can too.
I have to say that one of the things I'm really great at is just completely cutting people off. Even if it's not by choice. Like, if a person stops talking to me, it's really easy for me to get over them and pretty much pretend we were never friends in the first place. It's almost as if all the great memories I have with that person get erased.
For some reason, there's one, and only ONE person that I can't accomplish this sort of memory erasing with. And yes, you guessed it, it's a guy. Here I am, a year and a half after the fact, still hanging onto the hope that things will work out. Back in September he pretty much told me that I'm fantastic, but he's just not ready for me or for a relationship right now. Now, if I take this load of crap for the truth, does this mean I'm supposed to stand around waiting for the day when he's finally ready? I feel like the lethal combination of his frighteningly low self esteem and his alcoholism isn't ever going to allow him to be ready.
I've realized lately that since him, I sabotage every opportunity with a guy because I'm holding out for him. I pretty much subconciously want to remain single so that I'm here when he's ready. Unhealthy? Yes. Ridiculous? Sure. Pathetic? Absolutely.
I've been seeing this guy for the past couple weeks, nothing serious, just kinda hanging out. Nice kid, but I'm not really physically attracted to him and I keep finding 10,000 lame ass excuses as to why I should get rid of him. Tonight we went out for a drink, and I chose a bar where my old boy hangs out all the time. I tried to play it off to myself, saying I haven't been there in a while, but the truth is I was hoping to run into him. And I didn't. And when we left I was actually pissed off. Why am I so mean? I made this other guy sit with me for 3 hours, buy me drinks, and listen to my assinine stories, all the while hoping to run into another guy. That's really evil. It's horrible to use someone like that.
While we were out tonight we talked alot about buying a home since that's the prevalent theme in my life right now. I settle on my condo tomorrow. We were talking about how what I'm buying isn't the biggest or most perfect home, but it's what I can afford, and it's a start. It's not my dream home, but it's what's good for me right now. After getting a little buzz on, I realized that the same theory can apply to guys. Maybe this nice guy that I don't find all that attractive is what I can "afford". Maybe the other guy that I want is like the 3 bedroom 2.5 bath townhouse that I don't have enough money to buy right now... out of my league. But the thing that sucks is, with the house I can sell mine in a couple years and get the bigger, nicer one that I really want. With the guy, what you can "afford" never really changes. You gotta take what you can get, and I have to start accepting that fact.
God, that's a depressing thought.
